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The Centre of the Universe

When I was a little girl I dreamed of being in the spot light!  I was never shy, always happy to talk to everyone and basque in the attention dotted on me as an only child (until the arrival of my brother, who depsite my attempts at ‘eliminating’, is still happy and healthy and lives 5 minutes away from me), only daughter, and oldest grand-daughter.  I wanted to be a singer-actress-dancer-comedian-musician-model-child prodigy-vet-anthropologist!  In my free-time I would swim competitively and compete in Olympic figure skating (both on my own and with a partner…obviously)  My aunt was constantly telling my parents, and then me as a teenager, to get into modelling and acting.  Clearly, I had no lack of ambition.  I was the quintessential extrovert, attention was my drug! 

But then something happened…

In my last few years of high school my family hit a rough patch, and shortly after starting university I was diagnosed with depression.  I withdrew from my social life and spent alot of time alone, thinking, remembering, regretting, and observing.  I found a hidden piece of myself that I didn’t even think COULD be there, let alone WOULD be there.  A secret, introverted side to my personality.  A certain peace that comes with spending time alone.  And even more shocking: I LIKED IT!!!

So, why am I telling you all this?  Well, it dawned on me today that I do get alot of attention, people looking and staring at me, probably even some people pointing and talking about me, but its nothing like what I wanted as a child.  My newly acquired ‘fame’, if you can call it that, stems from one thing, and one thing only, my FAT.  Now, stop with the awwwing… its true… I know its true, because even I do it.  When a large person walks into a room, everyone notices, including me.  I have even asked my husband “am I as big as her”?  Horrible, I know, but I have such a hard time realizing how much physical space I take up, so I use other people as visual aids to help me conceptualize my size.  The 10 year old me would be so disappointed with this attention 😦 

And the point to this little pity party?  Well, it turns out, I’m actually not so comfortable with unwanted attention, at least the attention I get because of my size.  I tend to avoid people a little more now, think twice about going to places with lots of people I don’t know, and hide when I am in a social setting.  I really enjoy my alone time though!!!  Its the only time I truly feel like I’m being myself, 100% uncensored JENN!  I’ve discovered alot of things about myself that I never took the time to know before… some good, and some bad… but mostly good!  I’ve embraced my inner geek, which I never used to let out, except in the presence of a select few.  And I’m coming to terms with some of those regrets and shortcomings that drag me down.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am predominantely, and extrovert, and I do CRAVE a good dose of external stimulation.  I thrive in familiar group settings, surrounded by friends and family.  I will seek out someone’s attention when I’m bored.  But, everyonce in awhile I will unleash my inner introvert, shut out the world, and be the centre of my own universe, and love it!

Take care everyone! 

I’m Happy, I’m Healthy, I’m Fertile, ttfn, xo

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